Humour & satire

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket?

Hugh Nepis

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket?

A compendium for the well-endowed man

Reading:

HOW TO HANDLE A LARGE PENIS

A fellow took my photograph it cost one and three.
I said when it was done, “Is that supposed to be me?”
“You’ve properly mucked it up the only thing I can see is
My little stick of Blackpool Rock.”

When I told my friends that I was going to write a book on men with large penises, they weren’t shocked but amused and maybe bemused. They all agreed that if anyone were capable of writing such a book it would be me. My problem was how to approach it, I knew I wanted it to be partly satirical, partly informative and just slightly serious. I also wanted cartoons to highlight the satire, and that it should be approached from both a gay and a heterosexual perspective. My first consideration was defining a large penis.

Are men really that interested in the size of their penis? Well, according to World Data no other topic on their website has been asked for more often, than the average size of the penis. So, I guess the answer is yes. But why? – is it because it helps to improve their status? makes them more manly? helps them to feel secure? Or is it a feeling of inadequacy? After reading this book I doubt if you’ll still be able to answer the question of why, but it’s a fun read.


What is our point of reference?

To talk about a large penis, one has to establish first of all what we are referring to as large. Is it cucumber size or toilet roll size? For the purposes of this book we will base it on accepted data. Four to six inches is considered the average size of a man’s penis in the UK. Over six inches is thought to be large; between eight and ten is extra-large. Over ten inches is very rare, and not part of this book’s remit. Circumference is also important: a large penis is somewhere in the region of five to six inches all the way round, though of course there can be variations on that.

How is the penis measured? According to the World Data website, the length is always measured from the top of the stem root to the top of the glans. The measurement of the circumference is usually taken at the root.


Man’s own perception of his genitalia

I read a book recently on how men with large penises can be self-conscious and neurotic. I have to say that I have never come across this condition; on the contrary, men with over-developed genitalia seem, on the whole, to be rather proud of it and tend to boast about it.


Micro/macropenises

Micropenises are abnormally small, and to understand the problems and advantages of a large penis we should briefly examine those with undersized cocks. I think where the problem in penis size is more apparent is with men with small, almost pre-puberty penises. The novelist and short story writer Franz Kafka is known to have had neurosis about the size of his dick, as did Scott Fitzgerald. I have known guys in the past with small appendages who have tried to draw attention to them by having them tattooed or having a piercing across the urethra called a Prince Albert; very painful, I imagine, and it would have the effect of making you piss like a watering can.

A gay friend of mine with a very small penis and who was also into S&M was told by his master or controller that he should be ashamed of possessing such a small cock and had him lock it away in a chastity cage, with the key being held by his controller. This must have done wonders for his self-esteem.

Such behaviour as this I have never known to be reported by men with large dicks. This condition is known as a macropenis or megaopenis. Some babies are delivered with a large phallus, or it enlarges rapidly in childhood, resulting from high levels of testosterone.

Some men opt for penis reduction purely for sexual pleasure; either for themselves or for their sexual partner.


The penis in history

The large penis has always been a factor in male masculinity. As far back as the Greeks, Priapus, the god of male genitalia, was always depicted by his large and oversized permanent erection. Apollo, the most beautiful of the gods, was supposed to have a large dick, making all the other gods envious and resentful.

Greek drama certainly featured the large penis. One only has to consider the comedies of Aristophanes. The men would strap on very large penises and cavort around the stage in a very lewd and crude manner. There was nothing subtle about the Greeks. Their appetite and lust for all that was crude was satisfied only by the actors’ actions. For them, the coarser the better.

The Romans adopted many Greek Gods. One in particular was Priapus, the god not only of farm animals but also male genitalia. In the House of Casa dei Vetti in Pompi he is depicted with an over-sized penis, which is permanently erect. (It can’t have done much for his heart.). Priapus is seen in much of Roman art, though one image stands out where his penis is being weighed for a bag of gold, giving rise to the expression ‘worth its weight in gold’.

In Roman times, you only have to look at the Walls of Pompeii to realise how they revered the male genitalia. Mind you, the Romans were a perverted lot. During the reigns of Nero and Commodus, the use of the penis as a means of amusement to satisfy the Roman crowds in the arena was quite common. There was nothing more fun than to have a woman tied to a post in the middle of the arena to see how large a penis she could take. For real fun, they would have her raped by baboons, monkeys, and then, for a laugh, a donkey. As the girl screamed before she passed out, the audience would cheer. It would, of course, have traumatised the girl, but mercifully, at the end of the ordeal, they would cut her throat. So, the Romans did have a heart after all.

Spartacus, who led the slave uprising, was supposedly well-endowed, as was Alexander the Great, and it wasn’t just Rome that attracted Cleopatra to Anthony, but this of course is simply legend. The ancients liked to endow their heroes with such fanciful attributes as twenty-first century culture does with today’s pop and film stars; but most of it is idle gossip and very little more than speculation.

During the Middle Ages men would wear a codpiece to cover their ‘man of war’. Of course the sight of a larger and more bejewelled codpiece would inform a woman what sort of man she was dealing with, and he would find himself in the stocks for misrepresentation of merchandise if he didn’t live up to the product he supposedly had on show.

The eighteenth century was, I believe, the crudest period in European history. The exposure and flaunting of the penis were not uncommon. The fact that half of them were pox-ridden seemed to be of little concern to the ladies, whom these peacocks were trying to impress. They may have had powdered wigs and satin clothes, but their personal hygiene left much to be desired.

The reign of Victoria put a stop to all that crude vulgarity or did it? – not on your life; it simply drove it underground. The size of a man’s penis became the butt of many a music-hall joke. Smutty or suggestive songs have always been a popular source of amusement, such as Stanley Smith Master’s The Marrow Song.

‘Oh, what a beauty’
Oh, what a beauty,
I’ve never seen one as big as that before.
Oh, what a beauty,
It must be 6 foot long or even more.
It’s such a lovely colour,
So big and round and fat.
I never knew a marrow could grow as big as that.

Then of course, there was George Formby’s With My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock. Although the song never rhymes “rock” with the obvious, it really doesn’t need an academic with a literature degree to explain the metaphorical significance of the small and sticky object in his pocket.


Puberty and the development of the monster

Between the ages of twelve and fourteen, boys usually go through a period of puberty and penis development. It often happens without them really noticing it. I have to say I wasn’t aware of my own growth. Maybe it would have been different if I’d been at a British public school where Elliot Minor’s cock was on public display,

I might have realised the growth in myself. Sadly, such privilege was not awarded to me. It wasn’t until I was fourteen and played the game I’ll show you mine if you show me yours with another boy that I realised what I had in my pants. He got his out first and then I produced mine. “Fuck,” he exclaimed,
“that’s huge.”

I didn’t believe it was, but it was only then that I realised that boys developed cock sizes at different rates. Now, according to the book I read at Christmas, I should have been embarrassed and self-conscious. I wasn’t in the least. In fact, I was rather proud.

Large penises and erections can be very difficult to handle during adolescence. I remember at the age of fifteen travelling on a tube to Piccadilly. With the vibration of the train, unfortunate things started happening in my pants. When we got to Piccadilly, I couldn’t stand up to get off the Tube. I had to travel all the way to Holborn before it subsided. I got off the train self-consciously and then I had to travel back to my appointment in Piccadilly.

Format: 13.5 x 21.5 cm
Number of Pages: 66
ISBN: 978-3-99107-161-7
Release Date: 23.06.2021
GBP 13,90
GBP 8,99