Heartbreak

Disclaimer


This book details the author’s personal experiences with and opinions regarding the effects of heartbreak, emotional healing, spiritual awakening, and content related to physical and mental health issues. The author is not a healthcare provider. The book is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition or disease. Please consult with your physician or licensed healthcare specialist regarding the suggestions and opinions shared in this book. The use of this book implies your acceptance of this disclaimer.



Dedication


I dedicate this book to the brokenhearted, with a strong assurance that we are meant to experience trauma in order to evolve and awaken to our true selves and purpose.



Acknowledgements


Thanks with all my heart to my soul, which never gave up on me and brought me back to the light. Thanks also to all those who walked the path with me, especially my partner who came into my life after I reached a level of self-realisation where
I was internally ready to meet him. A special thanks to my editor Melanie Saxton for her loving support, expert advice and encouragement in the writing of this book.



Prologue


As you awaken, you will come to understand that the journey to love isn’t about finding ‘the one,’
the journey is about becoming ‘the one.’
~ Creig Crippen1

I’d like to start this book with a promise I made to myself:

If I survive this, I’ll share it with the world and
let them know how I did it.

As it turns out, I did survive the most painful and precious experience of my life. This experience caused angst and aching because it placed me in a horrible state. It was precious, however, because I pulled through… I was finally free. Happy again, much like a worry-free child.
My story has to do with heartbreak and love gone wrong… or right, as it turned out. Because it showed me what self-love means – the love for the self. Self-love seems so difficult and easy to misunderstand because we don’t what the “self” actually is. It’s almost as if you try to fall in love with a stranger. This is why it’s so important to find out who or what the “self” is. For that Prince Charming offered me the perfect opportunity. This relationship became a catalyst for change and ultimately an affirmation of who I was. It was a confirmation of my individual purpose in life. This individual purpose, or expression of life, is unique to all of us, just as our journeys are unique.
While exploring my own journey through heartbreak, I came across situations where words nearly failed me. I wrote this book to find words for something that can’t be fully explained. Words, no matter how carefully chosen, are unable to pin down a whole and exact meaning. Even the change or interpretation of a single word, can change the whole meaning of a sentence.
I only offer words and phrases that come closest to my experience and make sense in the context of telling the world how I did it.
Many topics are touched upon in this book, many feelings, circumstances, revelations, and more. Each word, each phrase, can be dismantled, discussed, and debated. That being said, remember this is simply my individual experience, described in my own voice and expression. It may be similar to your experience or very different.
Throughout my adventurous journey, I realized how strange life can become – that we can end up in situations we never imagined. My love story exposed me to feelings I didn’t know existed. Throughout, I lost all sense of control. I “heard” myself speaking and “saw” myself acting in ways that were actually the opposite of what I wanted to do. Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you, too, questioned everything about your love journey but at the same time denied the reality right in front of you.
At first, my life seemed so sorted with only one missing component. I wanted to find love, true love, without actually knowing what true love was. Thus, I entered a surreal love story that turned everything upside down. Through being exposed to my own emotions, thoughts, feelings, and lack of control, I developed a deep empathy for people in general. If anyone was experiencing this in some degree, I understood why they could get so angry, desperate, and unpredictable. It demonstrated how one could lose their mind. When our level of judgment dissolves, we lose normality. We lose ourselves.
The German word for this is liebeskummer, which may or may not be familiar to you. It means lovesickness, a phenomenon that we all may encounter regardless of culture and nationality. No matter what the term is called, we all know how this “lovepain” feels. If you’ve ever wondered what everyone around the globe has in common, that’s it – the quest for our most basic need to love and be loved. It has connected us throughout the centuries. The problem is we mistakenly look for love in all the wrong places, not knowing any better. I’m proof!
When I lived through it, I wished I could have read a book like this to know I wasn’t alone and that there was really nothing wrong with me. I was one among many who struggled with love.
I certainly didn’t need a typical self-help book per se, but a tool to gently point me to answers within. I realize I was meant to go through this trauma to access the knowledge that was already planted in my soul. I was meant to share this journey, regardless of how raw, painful, or embarrassing it may seem in retrospect.
You may struggle with the same feelings of embarrassment or shame, even thoughts of why was I so blind? But remember, you are not alone. In fact, you are probably in the majority! So many of us have walked in each other’s shoes, and the mission is to survive, learn, grow, and blossom into who we were meant to be. That’s the lesson and reward for surviving it.

As you question your role in a tragic love story, you may be surprised, like I was, to learn the answers are within. No one had ever told me that all the answers existed inside me. Quite likely, you’ve never been told that either… until now.

As you question your role in a tragic love story, you may be surprised like I was to learn the answers are within. No one had ever told me that all the answers existed inside me. Quite likely, you’ve never been told that either… until now.
Let me explain. First, don’t worry one bit if it doesn’t quite make sense at this point. We are deeply programmed to depend on “experts” rather than rely on our own soul-knowledge. We are told to “seek help” from books and videos. We are exposed to depictions of “true love” in romance novels and movie screens. The characters meet the mate of their dreams; they get swept away on a cloud of bliss, living happily ever after… Yet, a high divorce rate would indicate this isn’t reality in our society.
I assumed I needed outward advice to address the most profound and excruciating matters of the heart. Through this journey, however, I learned we don’t need gurus to access our inner connectedness. Certainly, we can be impacted by the wisdom of inspirational voices (you’ll see I share some favorite quotes from Creig Crippen, Anita Moorjani, Eckhart Tolle, Neale Donald Walsch, Rumi, and others,) but our questions are answered from within. We each become our own guru – imagine that!
I address these concepts in great detail, and perhaps my experiences can help you navigate your own circumstances… Or avoid the heartpain altogether, especially if you are open and seeking. This may not make sense at the beginning of this book, but by the time you turn the last page there will be a mind shift. Everything you thought you knew about love will be upended, and this can absolutely open your mind to a new perspective. The words you are about to read will comfort you in the present and point you to the future. It will assure you that you aren’t crazy, you aren’t broken, and that even a disastrous relationship occurs for a reason.
To everyone in the midst of such an experience, I wish you all the best from the depth of my heart. Don’t give up. I couldn’t see an end to it when I experienced it, but I made it… and you can too!



Chapter One - Jane Eyre in the Wrong Century


“The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and
your heart pounds, your hands shake,
and your knees go weak: that’s not the one.
When you meet your ‘soul mate,’ you’ll feel calm.
No anxiety, no agitation.”
~ Unknown

As a young girl in Germany, I was swept up in the notion of love. No, not the giggly schoolgirl crushes that would seem on the surface appropriate for that age. Instead, I felt a wistfulness. A deep and profound need for connection. True love, I sensed, was simple, essential, and profound. It had something to do with the soul – something I couldn’t articulate but only feel.
I recall the day I read a quotation on our kitchen calendar. It said:

“What you seek is seeking you.”

I didn’t know it then, but it was a quote from Rumi, a 13th-century Persian poet and theologian. Somehow, his words gave me hope. Is the one I love seeking me too? I wondered. My heart answered yes that it was true.
As I grew into my teen years, I continued to long for true love and wondered if I’d ever find it. I thought deeply about my future with a unique “Prince Charming,” a life overflowing with love. I had so much to give but no one to give it to. A sense of unfulfillment, almost like melancholy, lingered as I waited for someone to love me back as well.
Perhaps this explains why I was so drawn to Gothic romance novels. I spent hours pouring through Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre, filling my head with visions of quaint English hamlets.
I envisioned countryside estates, lovely manners, and tea time. It was so very different than my native Germany, so picturesque. In Jane Eyre especially, the plot and characters kept me turning the pages. I was touched by the poignancy of unrequited love and related to the struggle of bonding to my core. It resonated deeply, this emotional quest that I assumed would lead me to find “the one,” just like the protagonist Jane.
The formula for these novels – pain before bliss – meant the path to true love was never straightforward. It always involved the most complicated passions, drama, misunderstandings, and foibles. Through all of this comes the crescendo at the end. The lovers would look deeply into each other’s eyes and merge on a soul level. The happy ending proved that true love wins out, a reward for sticking with it.
I practiced my English while devouring each chapter. In fact, not only did I want to live this love story, I wanted very much to reside in the UK someday. I suppose the setting became my ideal, just as the plot became the closest thing to an instruction manual. Naturally, I assumed my own journey would involve a bit of exquisite suffering too. There would be obstacles to overcome before living happily ever after. This was my expectation of what a relationship should be. Love must always be bittersweet based on these old-fashioned depictions, I reasoned. Without the suffering, what sort of love story was there to tell?

Surely I would have a happy ending, too, just like the characters in my favorite book.

I wondered where I would find this sort of love. Where exactly should I be searching? When would my soulmate finally appear? Surely I would have a happy ending also, just like the characters in my favorite book. So I continued to dream about finding my true love, finding “the one.” A partner who loved me just as unconditionally as passionately as I felt in my heart. I wanted to find the man who recognized I was the only one for him.

***

Today I sit in Switzerland, looking out at scenery as beautiful as you can imagine. I’m safe, happy, and surrounded by mountains. Most importantly, I feel loved unconditionally.
It wasn’t always like this as, I’ve experienced poverty, struggles, and misery. I’ve endured broken relationships and fretted about being alone. Thankfully, things changed. I now live well in all aspects of my life, but it couldn’t have happened without enduring lovepain and doing the “soul work.”
In short, I survived a devastating heartbreak. Sure enough,
I did connect with a real-life Prince Charming, or it seemed. All the while, Jane Eyre kept swirling around in my head… Not only did I read the book, but I also was fascinated by the movie. The soundtrack was so lovely, the solo oboe especially… and then it suddenly made a squeaky noise.
The album was fine… but I was not.
I found myself physically transplanted from Germany to the UK while pursuing a relationship and navigated utter despair. England, which I envisioned as so lovely, was a total departure from what I anticipated. My new home was not a nostalgic village as I lived in the heart of East London. It felt dismal. It was disconnected from everything I pined for, including the love
I so desperately wanted. Prince Charming was physically present but hopelessly distant. This disconnect meant I was in the worst emotional state ever. Devastated.
My romance novels warned that I could expect emotional suffering but what I endured surpassed anything I had ever read.
I am not exaggerating when I say devastating. Perhaps debilitating is a better description. It truly wounded me, this love affair with Prince Charming and the inevitable outcome which was nothing short of abysmal. I wanted so much for him to be “the one” and could not accept that he wasn’t.
In the process, I lost myself.