It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

Chapter 1

Seven years ago …

… “Hyung, please—”
“Don’t leave us.”
“We need you.”
“I need you.”
“I’m nothing without you.”
“We are nothing without you. You can’t leave.”
“You just can’t.”
Turning around, Si-woo put his bag on the floor with a sigh. “Hanjun—”
“You’re a member of B’ONE as well. Without you, we are not what we’re used to being … being the boys as one group with the teamwork and the friendship, right?”
“That’s our slogan; we are who we are. We can’t deny this, Si-woo.”
“I’m not the right one, I’m sorry. I just can’t live on like this.”
Feeling his own tears in his eyes, Si-woo looked at Hanjun, the youngest member of B’ONE. He was devastated, somewhere in his own world. Suddenly, he fell to his knees, hiding his face in his palms.
“Hyung, I—, I need you.”
“Please—” his words were only whispers.
Si-woo led Hanjun to his room, sitting down with him.
Lee Si-woo was the last member who joined the group B’ONE in the year 2010. Debuting with their lead single ‘Find Me’ in 2014, Si-woo was put in a box called ‘The Visual’. His talent was ignored, and everyone just saw his handsomeness. But this faded quickly, and then people started to hate him, not even appreciating him as a human being. They described him as untalented; he took more lessons than his body could survive. The ‘only’ thing that would have kept him in the group was his attractiveness in the beginning, but now …

The hate got worse and worse, and he doesn’t see the point of going on. His depression kept growing, his anxiety rose. He prepared his termination letter and left it in his room where Hanjun found it.
Checking the time, it was already past midnight. Si-woo and Hanjun talked for hours and hours. And, in the end, Hanjun persuaded Si-woo to not give up and keep going. His emotional speech affected Si-woo hard, and he decided to stay with the group.
After talking with Dowoon, their manager, Si-woo would go on hiatus for an indefinite time.

…


Five years ago …

… Folding the letter silently, Jade put it next to her phone. She can’t do this anymore. She trusted him, trusting him it won’t happen again, but …
… he broke his promises. He had to, as always.
Flashbacks of her childhood ran through her mind as she closed the door behind her.
‘Papa, you will come to my play today, right?’ ‘Of course, Sweetheart. Daddy will be there.’
‘Papa, you will come to my singing contest, right?’ ‘Of course, Sweetie. Daddy will be there.’
‘Dad, you know my graduation is tomorrow, right?’ ‘I’ll be there, Honey. Don’t worry.’
‘I love you; you know that, right?’
Nodding her head slightly, Jade wiped the blood on her nose away. Of course, he loves her. That’s how he shows his love toward her.
But the older Jade knew better. It wasn’t his love toward her, neither his bad memory.
He hates her, uses her, breaks her.
She is nothing when compared to Amber, the perfect daughter.
Having blonde hair like him, beautiful tall, perfect curves, wonderful face. The 11 out of 10 for every guy.
While giving her the world, Jade got nothing but broken promises. All the time, he breaks promises as if it’s his hobby, his job to do it.
‘I’ll be there.’ ‘I won’t forget it.’ ‘I won’t do it again.’ ‘I was just stressed; it won’t happen again.’
Those are his favorites phrases to use.
She can’t live like this anymore. It’s too hard to act like everything is all right on stage and at work. Yes, there’s Junghoon … he knows it but what does she have for him to go on? He has a family, and they’re not even really friends, except you call your boss your friend. Well, Jade might not see Junghoon, in this situation, as a friend, but Junghoon definitely sees Jade as a friend. A friend who needs him because, after all of what happened with her father, she connects male people automatically with her father.
Her father promised it. He promised he wouldn’t do it again. This gave Jade hope, hope to not tell anyone, neither her brother nor mother. But she should have known better.
Leaving the house quietly, she took a deep breath.
Today, it will work. Not like the times before. It will work, and she will be free. Free forever.
Crossing her legs, Jade stared at the rail track in front of her. She will be free in any minute.
01:47 … three more minutes.
Standing up, she walked dangerously near it.
Five, four, three, two—
Opening her eyes, nothing happened. No, she wasn’t under the train as planned. But she was under another body. Quite a heavy body. The body stood up, giving her a hand.
Wait, that ‘body’ belongs to a male person. Is that even possible? A male person saving her life? All men are toxic; this is not possible.
“Are you okay?” the person asked, giving her a hand, but Jade pushed the hand away, standing up on her own. “Do I look okay?”
“My name is Hyunwoo. What’s yours?”
“I don’t need your name, nor do you need mine.”
“I—”
“I don’t care,” and, with that, Jade walked away back home, another suicide attempt failed.

“Jade, are you okay?”
“Huh?”
Junghoon stood up and walked toward her. “Do you want to tell me something?” He stopped in front of her desk, and his eyes changed from doll to siren. “About your late-night journey yesterday?”
The words got stuck in her throat.
“I—”
Opening his arms, his eyes softened again. Judging her won’t be right, he knows this. Being by her side, that’s right.
“It’s okay, Jade. I’m here for you,” his voice almost disappeared.

After telling Junghoon everything, Jade felt a bit better. A knock on the door interrupted their talk, and Jade wiped the tears off her face as the door opened. A tall man walked inside, bowing to show the respect before speaking up. “Hello, Mr. Park. I’m sorry for my delay.”
Turning his attention to Jade, he gave her a small smile.
Hold on, she knows this man. Where did she see him before?
“Hello, Ms. Evans. I’m your new bodyguard.”
And suddenly Jade remembers his face from somewhere.
“My bodyguard?” her face turned to Junghoon confused. He said, “I wanted to tell you earlier, but we got distracted and yeah,” he paused for a second. “I want you to have your own bodyguard; these so-called ‘fans’ are getting crazy these days.”
“But—
“I know, Jade. I know what he is, but he got checked several times, and I checked him myself two more times. He is fine.”
“I’ll wait outside. Tell me when you want to get home, Ms. Evans. I’ll drive you,” the new bodyguard told them, gaining their attention once again.
Waiting until he left, Jade turned back around.
“You look like you just saw a ghost, Jade. I know he is a man but—”
“He saved me yesterday.”
“What—”
“He is the one who saved me yesterday, Junghoon.”
“He is Hyunwoo.”

…


Four years ago…

… hugging Si-woo tightly, Hanjun had tears in his eyes. Everyone did.
They won.
They won at the Asian Music Awards, the biggest award of the year with their latest album, Dream Big.
They are not losers. They are not bad singers. They’ve made it.
They are B’ONE.

…


Three years ago…

… Jade’s arm was covered in blood.
A knife in her hand, tears streamed down her face.
The hair: a living mess. The eyes: dark circles surrounded them.
Gripping the knife tightly, her knuckles turned white. Jade looked down at herself, a total mess …
Her hand slowly opened its tight grip, and the knife dropped to the floor. Touching her face, her lips were swollen, and blood dripped down. A few scratches around her cheek, same on the forehead.
It happened again. He promised not to, but he did.
The hope she had is not there anymore. It won’t come back ever again. She lost it forever. Thinking she had lost it two years ago, she hadn’t. She made the mistake of letting him in again. Even after Hyunwoo and the shit she was going through. He couldn’t get enough.
Upon standing up, she saw herself in the mirror. Jade broke down and didn’t bother to stand up again. Her phone rang and rang but Jade ignored it. It rang a third time and a fourth time before she looked at the number. Hyunwoo.
Jade swiped it up and instantly heard his voice. “Jade, where are you? I know, you said you’re sick, but—”
“Jade? Jade, are you there?”
“Hyunwoo … I-, I did… it—. I did it again,” she whispered. Hyunwoo grabbed his phone tighter. “I’m right there. Stay on the phone. Don’t hang up.”

Jade’s father opened the door and, without saying a word, Hyunwoo pushed him aside and ran upstairs to Jade’s room. He knocked twice … nothing. He knocked again … Nothing.
‘Please, don’t. Just don’t, Jade.’
After a moment, the door opened a bit. He caught a sight of her face. It was full of bruises and blood. Hyunwoo got in and closed the door behind him. Without a second, he hugged her tightly …
“I’m here. I won’t leave you.”
Jade actually accepted the whole bodyguard thing with Hyunwoo and Junghoon. He has been her bodyguard for over two years now and over the years, they’ve become best friends.
Looking back at herself, the younger Jade wouldn’t believe it. Yes, Jade has a male best friend. Someone she trusts with her whole life.
He is one of the few men who can touch her. He was always around her and didn’t hesitate to punch someone if she wasn’t feeling well about being touched by them.
Hyunwoo was quite tall with broad shoulders and has a few tattoos, which made him look hot as fuck and like a badass. He was Jade’s closest friend, except Hannah. Sadly, Hannah lives currently in South Korea because of her work. That’s why they don’t see each other that often.
Pulling away, she faced him with tears in her eyes. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Shaking her head slightly for a no, Hyunwoo understood. “You don’t have to. I’m here if you wanna, though.” Hugging her tightly, he brushed up and down her back.
“You know, we have to tell Junghoon,” he whispered. Jade nodded, her head still on his chest. “Let’s get you cleaned up and out of this house first.”
“I don’t want to be here any longer,” she mumbled quietly.
“My place?” Giving him only a small nod, Hyunwoo patted her back slightly, but she flinched at the touch.
“I’m sorry.” Jade faked a smile—
But suddenly something seemed strange. Her sight got blurry while she tried standing up, Hyunwoo caught her on time. While holding her in one arm, he pulled out his phone. —Park Junghoon—
Hyunwoo picked Jade gently up and walked behind Junghoon to his car. Putting her inside, he was still holding her.
Junghoon could smell the alcohol from her father’s breath miles away. He had been aware of him hitting and harassing her for years now.
Her sister saw her father literally as her role model. She doesn’t do ‘much’ but sometimes she does let her anger out on Jade.
The real problem is her father. He once tried to use her also for his personal pleasure, but, fortunately, Hyunwoo was picking up Jade at that moment and came between her and her father before he could do anything.

Jade blinked a few times to get used to the bright light on the ceiling.
Turning her head, Junghoon and Hyunwoo sat on chairs, and next to them were a lot of cups. All of them were empty, except the one in their hands. A strong coffee scent was in the air.
“Junghoon?” Jade whispered.
Junghoon sprang up and ran to her. “How are you?”
“My head hurts a lot, and I feel like a car just crashed into me.”
“I’ll bring you tea. Wait a second.”
Hyunwoo sat down next to her, brushing her hair back. Flinching away, he stared at her in shock.

“Jade—”
“I’m sorry … I said I won’t do it again … but I did.”
“I’m here with you. I’ll never let you alone ever again.”
“… he was much … worse this time,” she mumbled through her tears.
“I think it is time you get your own house, Jade,” he whispered.
“I … I can’t.”
“Jade, I don’t want you to get hurt anymore. It’s not just them hurting you; you hurt yourself, too. If you don’t want to live alone, I’ll live with you. I’m your best friend.”

Jade didn’t answer. The door opened and Junghoon was back. He rushed Hyunwoo out of the room to talk with Jade alone.
Jade sighed slightly. “… I wanna have a life again.”
“I’ll call someone for an apartment.” He patted her hand, Jade flinched also this time. Junghoon’s sight was full of anxiety. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

Jade, half-Korean and half-British, has been living in England since her birth.
For over seven years now, she has been a very famous singer. She’s also an actress for more than four years now. She started with a lead role when she was nineteen.
As soon as the movie was released, she became really popular as an actress and got many requests for main roles in other movies.
She has an older brother and an older sister. Well, her parents are divorced. While her mother, a model, was living in France, Jade had been staying with her father and her older sister over the years. Her brother lives in Spain with his wife and kid; they moved away a long time ago, leaving her alone with her abusive father and sister.
She got hit by them all the time, and they used her to let their anger out. Over time, Jade got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At first, she didn’t tell anyone until Junghoon gained her trust.
Compared to Jade’s father, her sister is nothing. Because of him, Jade has trust issues with men and didn’t let them touch her.
She is a professional and, for her job, she can work with male actors. She always expects the worst of them, though.
The only two men she trusts her life with are Hyunwoo, her bodyguard and best friend, and Junghoon, her boss and a very close friend.
She has a really hard time opening herself to people and trusting them. The only people who know about her situation with her family are Junghoon, her boss; Eunwoo, her makeup artist; Hyunwoo, her personal bodyguard; and her best friend, Hannah, who’s currently in South Korea.
Jade has tried to commit suicide three times, but she failed each of those times. The last time she tried was the day she met Hyunwoo for the first time.
Funny story to tell your family about how you’ve met your best friend, right?
The bruises her father and sister gave her are marked all over her body. That’s why her makeup artist always covers them up if they need to be covered.
And, as you could already imagine, she isn’t quite confident, but around the right people, she is just herself.
Jade is more an introverted person than an extrovert. And sometimes it’s really hard for her to act in a scene or to open up to her fans with this side, especially to male fans and actors. She doesn’t really have a problem working with them; it’s more that she prefers the female human over the male human.

…


Today’s date …

… Jade’s mood lightened up a bit when she saw her brother in his car. Jake was picking her up for the family meeting.
Actually, she doesn’t even want to be there. Why should she even? Her mother left her alone with her abusive father. But seeing Jake after such a long time, it was totally worth it.
Jade was currently in Spain filming the last scene of her movie, and the time was perfect for the meeting.
He drove a gray car, and his windows were open. She turned back to the other actors and said goodbye.
“We’ll see you at the premiere.”
Lifting her bag from the chair, she walked to her brother’s car, Hyunwoo right behind her. Her brother opened the door for her and tried to hug her.
“No hug, Jake … please.”
“I’m sorry, Jade. I’ve just missed you very much. You good?”

Receiving a small smile, Jake took the bag from her.
“What about you? How’s Amanda?”
“She’s doing great. She took her first step two months ago.”
“I can’t wait to see her.”
Turning the music, a bit louder, Jade stared through the window to the beach. Today was the last day of her new movie, Angels of Perfections.
Hopefully, the family meet will end on a good note.

Hyunwoo stood next to Jade while her sister and father walked inside.
“How was work?” her father asked.
Hyunwoo was already ready to do something, but her father didn’t do anything. Jade didn’t answer him.
She looked around, ignoring him completely — and there she is, Amber Evans.
Her ash blond hair was falling from her shoulders with perfect beach waves. Her glasses around her blue eyes made her look very smart and, with the suit, everything matched. She was a teacher at the biggest university in England. Of course, her father likes her more than Jade. Jade was used to it and just rolled her eyes when she heard Amber.
Amber has a quite high-pitched voice, and it sucks to hear it.
“Heyy, Jade, honey, how are you?” she asked in a sweet tone, while trying to hug her.
Hyunwoo pushed her away. “No touching,” he said in a low voice.
“Wow, calm down. You don’t have to be rude like that. Don’t you know who I am?”
Jade turned around. She heard a tiny voice screaming her name.
Amanda was in her sister-in-law’s arms and had a big smile on her face. She has dark curly hair like her mother, but her skin tone was a lot brighter than Isabella’s. Isabella, her mother, was as beautiful as her country. She was quite tall with long dark, curly hair. She is from Spain, but she has lived in England since her third birthday. Now they decided to move back to her hometown.
“Hello, sweetie,” Jade whispered.
…